"Taurus"

"I'm glad you've fought - but how did you know where it is?"

I’ve always thought that I was lost, even before my body broke. Even before I got collected by a few Lost Boys. But they searched for treasure in the wrong place. Unfortunately, for a long time after that map was depleted… I never thought my map led to anything.

This year has opened my eyes again. The true treasure I possess lies deep. Resilience, Strength, Empathy, and Heart. Maybe Virtue lies somewhere too, but Loyalty is the one that I have nurtured and appreciate so much more.

It seems incredibly difficult to turn into yourself and shine mirrors and light into that fear and shame have crowded your shadows into. When I think of who I was, what my purpose previously was, what my goals were and are, I can see a light. A lot of times it’s small. But something to pursue.

Pursuing the small pinlight of victory - my lantern now - I’m glad to have it guiding me through my day. Sometimes its light is a beacon, and sometimes it flickers. That’s where my stubborn nature comes in, to keep me in check.

I can’t always do meditation. I get side-tracked, I cringe, I wince. I get distracted or think of something toxic when a word doesn’t sit right with me. I cannot throw real punches, but I can stand strong. I can be fierce, hold tight. But to ask to soften my brow or my jaw, and I only want to crunch tighter. Relax, and I may just be broken to my limit again, and I may not be able to do that again. Most of my instincts hold true, and I have been feeling great lately, but I have been trained to be ready for the other show to drop.

So… I’ve been locking in on what I have. I have managed this far through the plateau of my Guillain-Barre Syndrome recovery. I’ve come so far, and this birthday really felt like I was a member of society again - but now I crave more. And physically, I know I’m not there. My legs cannot hold me. The workplace sees me as lesser than.

For my dancer friends out there…

I fucking miss fouettes. Pirouettes. “I thought there was enough music for a triple?” “Just dance the shit outta it!” … I mean… COME ON. Floorwork? My knees would MURDER me. Call Life Alert, stat. (Or maybe just Shawn Hatosy from The Pitt)

How can you fight if you’re not sure these pathways are truly gone? What if this is my 97% Recovery?